Essay - What is "Love"?

September 1, 2019

What is "Love"?

People don't just "fall in love". They fall into infatuation. You think you have found your “one”, the one you will spend the rest of your life with. You fall head-over-heels in love. Then a few months later, Bang! It all blows up. What happened? I was never love, it was infatuation.

Infatuation is passion, love is passion, but infatuation is temporary, love lasts a lifetime.

Infatuation is sudden and quick, love takes time to develop and nurture.

Infatuation is see the relationship from my own point of view; love is compromise and working together to develop a lasting two-way relationship.

Infatuation is putting the other person on a pedestal that I cannot reach, seeing them as perfect and not seeing any imperfections. They are there, but because we haven’t taken the time to develop a relationship I don’t know what they are.

Infatuation is Yay! I found my life mate! I WIN! That is not love. Love is about sharing and wanting to live for the other person, not for myself only. It’s not I WIN but Let’s do this together.

Infatuation is saying you know your new partner like the back of your hand, but you really know next to nothing; while love says I want to learn everything about you, tell me your story, your history, and I will tell you mine.

Infatuation feels jealous every time someone even talks to your new partner because you want the whole world to know that person belongs to you and you only. Love is not jealous, it is secure in the knowledge that you both share the same feelings for each other and would do nothing to endanger those feelings and your relationship.

Infatuation says Let’s get married now! Love says Let’s get to know each other intimately (not sexually) first and develop our relationship. Marriage doesn’t have to happen immediately.

Infatuation is being in love with the way the other person looks, walks, talks, thinks, and their feelings. Love is about a personal and deep knowledge of each other that only comes with time spent together.

Infatuation is insecurity – if your new partner doesn’t call or text you one day, you cry and wonder what happened? Love is security, knowing that even without those messages or calls your partner loves you every day, more and more as life goes on.

Infatuation is feeling the relationship must always be perfect, never an argument or fight, never a rude word spoken, but always happiness and joy and pleasantries. Love is about settling differences through compromise, hugs and kisses, and understanding that building a lifetime relationship is work, hard work, for both people to take part in. You know things will go wrong from time to time, and you know the two of you can work it out.

Infatuation is drama, a lot of drama in the relationship – overblowing the small things, saying things to hurt the other person because they did something that may have hurt you.

Infatuation is about holding your partner to too-high expectations and then getting upset when those expectations are not met. Love is tender and sweet, it is talking and working through problems, giving support to each other and never talking bad about each other.

Infatuation is stressful, it will drain your energy and you will be tired a lot of the time. You will be consumed by questions such as What is he doing tonight? Where is she at right now? Why hasn’t he contacted me? You are constantly worried about your partner, dreaming about him, thinking about her, worried, and you cry for them. Love is none of that. It doesn’t drain you, it gives you energy. In a real loving relationship you feel joy and gratitude.

Infatuation is needing to be connected to another person, needing that feeling of companionship. In the tough times, though, where is your partner? Are you on your own? You want and need their attention, are you getting it? Love is a connection that is not broken, even by distance. You and your partner are a team and the two of you work through life as a team. You don’t feel alone because you know you have a partner who will always be by your side, not in front of you, not behind. But rather, standing side-by-side with you, with your hand is hers.

We can spend our lives searching for or waiting for the "one, right person" to suddenly appear in front of us. Or, we can choose the person who shows us they are truly interested in us for who we are, not for their own desire of a fleeting, temporary, relationship. Because love is not about me, it's not about you. It's not about my "feelings". It’s not about your feelings. It’s about two people taking action, the action needed to get to know one another, and develop something called love, that they both share equally.

Real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly even though we don’t particularly feel loving or even feel like we like the person at the moment.

Real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love.

Real love is about how we act towards the one we want to be with. Love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love.

Love is an action that if you don’t use it you lose it. Love is like any communication, if you never send it out, you won’t get a return.

Love is an experience related to a strong sense of affection. Affection is a “disposition or state of mind or body” that is often associated with a feeling or type of love. This definition suggests that you do something rather than have something done to you.

How do you feel affection for anything? You would actually decide to show it love, admire it, pay attention to it, treat it right, honor it, praise it, and find the good in it. At which point you will then have affection for it.

Love is something you give to others, not something you feel because something happens to you.

Love is something we develop over time, not a day, a week, a month. Maybe not even a year. It must be worked at, it must be learned through interaction with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Do you have to "fall in love" or "feel love" for another person before you decide to spend the rest of your life with that person?

If you answer is Yes, then you will probably find nothing but failure in your love life.